Tag Archives: self help

How to Teach Your Child Calm Breathing

breathWhat is “calm breathing”?

Calm breathing is a technique that teaches your child to slow down his or her breathing when feeling stressed or anxious.

When we are anxious, we tend to take short, quick, shallow breaths or even hyperventilate. This type of anxious breathing can make anxiety even worse. Doing calm breathing can help lower your child’s anxiety, and give him or her a sense of control … and of course, it’s something that your child can do by themselves when you’re not around to help and support them. It really is a ‘portable’ tool and no one knows that you’re doing it. This is often very important for children and young people because they don’t want to be seen as different or needing special help in any way.

How to help your child master the technique:

  1. Explain why calm breathing is a good ‘trick’ to learn. You can explain, for example, that taking short quick breaths actually increases other feelings of anxiety (e.g. heart racing, dizziness, or headaches) … and conversely, slow breathing helps to automatically calm you down.
  2. Teach the calm breathing technique: Take a slow breath in through the nose (for about 4 seconds) Hold your breath for 1 or 2 seconds Exhale slowly through the mouth (over about 4 seconds) Wait 2-3 seconds before taking another breath (5-7 seconds for teenagers) Repeat for at least 5 to 10 breaths

bubble‘Bubble blowing’ is a great way to practice some of this and there it’s fun! You have to take a slow, deep breath to make a big bubble, and you have to blow the bubble really slowly or it will pop. Practise doing that with your child. Take a slow, deep breath in, hold it for a second, and then slowly blow some bubbles, the challenge being to make the bubbles as big as possible – that takes control!

For Older Children and Teens: Since calm breathing involves taking slow, controlled breaths from the diaphragm, another way to explain this technique is to present it as “belly breathing”. The steps for this exercise are as follows: Inhale slowly for 4 seconds through the nose. Ask your child to pretend that he or she is blowing up a balloon in the belly, so your child’s belly should inflate when inhaling. Wait 2 seconds, and then slowly exhale through the mouth. Ask your child to pretend that he or she is emptying the balloon of air, so the tummy should deflate. Wait 2 seconds, and then repeat. Helpful Hint: When belly breathing, make sure your child’s upper body (shoulders and chest area) is fairly relaxed and still. Only the belly should be moving! Step 3: Practice, practice, practice! In order for your child to be able to use this new tool effectively, he or she first needs to be an expert at calm breathing.

Rules of practice:practice

  • Practice a couple of times a day, doing 10 calm breaths in a row.
  • Practice when you’re both feeling relaxed (if you’re doing it together)
  • Once your child is really comfortable with the technique, they can start to use it in more anxious or stressful situations
  • It’s a skill – it needs to be learned and practiced if it is going to be useful!

Good Luck,

Judith

www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

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5 Tips for Managing your Anxiety

 

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The vast majority of my clients come to me for anxiety-related issues … it’s a huge problem for many people of all ages, from primary school children onwards. If YOU suffer from anxiety, then you know that it’s not always easy to deal with everyday life when you feel panicky and overwhelmed. There are some steps that you can take, however, which will help to calm things down for you … because anxiety is NOT a life sentence.

      • Recognise your OWN signs that anxiety is creeping up. Notice where you feel your stress and anxiety physically. I know I’m tired and anxious when I get headaches –the onset of a bad head is now my reminder to slow things down, to try to see things in another way, to go out for a walk or start looking after myself more.
      • Notice when things are good too – reflect on WHY you feel better or differently. What has happened to make this change? Is it something that you can do again? Actually MAKE changes – rather than allowing them tohappen to you. It’s a cliché but if you keep doing the same old things, don’t be surprised that you have the same old life. Only you can change things for the better. Take control.

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      • Breathe … deep, slow breathing has the natural effect of calming everything down. Get into the habit of breathing through anxietyusing deep, abdominal breathing (or ‘belly breathing’) – naturally eliciting the physiological relaxation response in our minds and bodies. Anxious breathing is not productive – that rapid, shallow breathing is designed as a short term ‘fight or flight’ response. Start to NOTICE when you are breathing like this – then you can put your anxiety in reverse by deep belly breathing. It sounds simple – and it is – but it WILL make a difference if you persevere
      • Make time for fun and relaxation – not just as a response to feeling anxious but every day. Relaxation isn’t something you should do when you’re so frazzled you can’t think straight – it’s something that needs to be part of your everyday routine. It simply means that setting some time aside for things that you enjoy and that nourish you in some way. They don’t have to be ‘worthy’ activities – relaxation is not about what you ‘should’ be doing but what you actually WANT to do. Life is full of ‘shoulds’ – relaxation is all about ‘wants’ and ‘needs’. Life is so much more manageable when you have some time to yourself, filled with things to look forward to. Give it some thought – what would really feed your soul?
      • Harness the power of nature – getting out for a walk (or a run) is a great way to alleviate anxiety, clear your mind and get things into perspective. It doesn’t solve all your problems but it does give you the opportunity to take some time out – even if it’s just for a ten minute stroll round the park. And as we go into Spring, hopefully there’ll be some sun, helping your brain to release serotonin, associated with boosting mood and helping you to feel calm and focused.Sunshine really is nature’s own anti-depressant.sunflower

f you need extra help managing your anxiety,please get in touch. For a free Hypno-relaxation MP3, go to: https://payhip.com/b/tj7W

Good Luck,

Judith

www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

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Love and Relationships – the gulf between expectation and reality

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As soon as Christmas cards leave the shelf in the New Year sales, they are quickly replaced by Valentines cards – a swathe of pink and red hearts, promising true love and romance.  It’s the stuff dreams are made of – finding a soul mate who will love you forever, warts and all.  But with 42% of marriages in the UK ending in divorce, this dream isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and the reality just doesn’t match up.  The question is …. Why?

Perhaps the answer lies in the gulf between the expectation and the reality.  When we’re fed the Valentines message no one deigns to mention putting the washing on, going to the supermarket or cleaning out the cat’s litter tray.  In my relationship, all of those jobs have to be attended to – they are not generally accompanied by swooning or protestations of love – even though we do love each deeply.  The romantic ideal forgets to mention that life with your significant other will undoubtedly include some, quite frankly, mind-numbingly boring activities that just have to be attended too.  We’d all prefer to be lying in a gondola in Venice at all times but that won’t get the ironing done!

That doesn’t mean that you and your partner can’t be one of the relationship success stories (and there are still lots of people celebrating many happy years together) but being a realistic romantic is the key:

  • Enjoy the romantic hype – and the romantic moments when they come along. Just don’t expect them to be there all the time – remember you can have too much of a good thing anyway.
  • Recognise that everything in life takes effort – start putting some into your relationship.
  • Don’t expect perfection from your partner – you can’t provide that so why expect it from someone else?
  • Remember that you’re different people and that you won’t agree on everything or do things in the same way – enjoy the differences because without them life would be a bit boring!
  • Enjoy doing things together – but take time for yourself as well – you’re still an individual not just part of a duo.
  • Life is busy but try and make time for each other and have some fun because too much time focusing on the detritus of life is what kills off many relationships.
  • Be supportive – and expect the same back.
  • Don’t forget to have sex! It’s a great stress relief and a nice reminder of the fact that you actually do quite fancy this person that you watch telly with every night.
  • Lastly, if it’s not working anymore, be honest – perhaps it can be fixed but perhaps it’s time to move on – only you know the answer to that. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, life is for living!

Good luck

Judith x

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www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

Happy New Year!

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It’s the New Year – a time when we make a new start, make plans for change and look to the future.

For many people, these changes take the form of New Year Resolutions … sometimes heralding significant change and sometimes broken by the second week of January!

What many people overlook, however, is the potential to make changes where it really matters – in your emotional health and well-being.

How about these for starters:

  • Think about what you like doing – and then do more of that – it’s not selfish to spend time on yourself.
  • Become your own best friend.
  • Realise you don’t actually have to spend time with toxic people who make you feel bad about yourself – you can let those people go without a backwards glance.
  • Create a positive attitude … being happy is a positive choice.
  • Stop making excuses not to do things – there’s never a perfect time for anything!
  • Spend some time working out what you really want from 2017 – and then stop procrastinating – go for it.
  • Have more fun! It balances out the sometimes unavoidable boring bits!
  • Approach things head-on – burying your head in the sand when it comes to the practicalities of life (work, money, debt etc) isn’t helpful in the long run.
  • Tailor your resolutions to YOU – most NY Resolutions are a re-hash of what you think you SHOULD be doing, not what you actually WANT to do!

Good Luck!

Judith x

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www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

For a range of MP3s – including a FREE Relaxation audio, please use the following link to Bluebell Therapy’s new shop:

http://www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk/shop.html

Starting Uni – excitement and stress all rolled into one!

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The stereotype image of university life is a group of students having a whale of a time – going out to college parties, getting drunk, enjoying being irresponsible before joining the real world of work … and even occasionally going to the odd lecture. And for lots of students, life really can be a ball (some of the time – no one can spend their entire time dressed in a poncho, sombrero and fake moustache for a Mexican Fiesta Party J ) BUT, student life can also be difficult – the pressures of leaving home for the first time brings up all manner of insecurities and anxieties.  Add that to the pressure of always looking like you’re having the most amazing time of your life and it’s no surprise that the first week of the university term is a huge emotional challenge for lots of new students.

Think about it …. Who would choose to be dropped off by their nearest and dearest into a situation where the accommodation is seriously under par compared to your family home, you don’t know anyone and you suddenly have to start cooking, washing and generally doing all the things that someone else has been doing for you for years..? It doesn’t sound like a brilliant idea on the face of it – but that’s what is happening to millions of 18 year olds in the UK this month. Of course, the expectation is that it’s going to get a whole lot better – bur right now, it’s tough.

So what can students do to make things easier?

  • Even if you’re shy and nervous, make the effort to go into the communal area of your accommodation – don’t sit in your room all the time.  Leave your door open when you are in there so others know that you are up for a chat. When I first took my son up to uni, we took a big cake – having something to share is a way of making that initial contact and is an ice-breaker.
  • Have a look at the clubs and societies on offer in fresher’s week – create a social life for yourself with other like-minded people.
  • Remind yourself that everyone in your flat or on your course are all in the same boat as you – if you’re all too shy to make the first move, then you’ll never talk to anyone!
  • Be honest about how you feel – you don’t have to off load ALL your fears onto the first person you see but there’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re a bit nervous about starting uni.  Some people can over compensate by creating a whole persona of fake confidence – most people can see through that!
  • Accept that the few couple of weeks WILL be hard – but will get better.
  • Look after yourself – eat well, get some exercise and be good to yourself.
  • Stick with it for a while before rushing home for the weekend. Give yodeskurself time to re-adjust to your new life.
  • Lastly, if you feel that things really are getting on top of you, find out about emotional help from Student Services – lots of universities offer well-being classes (such as mindfulness) as well as counselling.  Don’t suffer in silence.

Good luck!

Judith

www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

For a range of MP3s – including a FREE Relaxation audio, and audio/ebook for Social Anxiety, please use the following link to Bluebell Therapy’s new shop:

http://www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk/shop.html

How it feels when the chicks have flown the nest …

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As a mum of two young adults, ‘empty nest syndrome’ is something I have personal experience of … one of my ‘children’ is already at university and it won’t be too long before his sister follows behind.  It’s a time of confusing emotions – pride, happiness, worry and loss.  We all want the best for our kids and want them to have the best experiences that they possibly can.  We also know that parenting is about bringing up our children to be self-reliant, happy, caring adults … we know that right?  So why is dropping them off at uni so hard..?  Because it really is!!  Whether it’s your first child, your last child or your only one, there’s no doubt that this really is a biggie.

My son is now in his third year – I’ve come a long way since, two Septembers  ago, a friend asked me how I was in the street, and I burst into tears and had to be escorted to a café for a tea and a chat (Thank you Fiona!).   Two years on and things have changed – I still don’t like drops offs and I still really miss him but, aside from that, our relationship remains pretty much unscathed – he’s still my son, I’m still his mum and we still have the same conversations, silly arguments and share the same sense of humour as we always did.  And that’s the nub of it … when your kids go off to uni, there’s this anxiety and fear that everything will change.  As it is, what really changes is geography – it takes a bit of getting used to not washing someone’s clothes, helping with homework or arguing about what TV programme to watch and you undoubtedly WILL miss your baby.  But the important things really CAN stay the same.  I know that I’ll be trying to convince myself of that this time next year when my second one goes … but I also know, from personal experience, that it is true and it will be ok.

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Me and my boy!

Good luck!

Judith

http://www.bluebell-therapy.co.uk

A Little bit of Calm …

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When anxiety is on its way …

Anxiety can work by stealth, creeping up on you when you least expect it or it can arrive with a trumpet fanfare … but however it arrives, it makes itself known pretty quickly. Palpitations, headaches, racing heart rate, that horrible feeling of being unable to control what might happen next … all these things and more make anxiety such a formidable enemy. It CAN be defeated – it’s NOT a life sentence … but when it hits, it can sometimes feel that way. Lots of things can help to get rid of anxiety for good … hypnotherapy and counselling can really help, as can lots of self-help techniques to re-discover the positives in life and actively seek them out. But of course it’s difficult to remember that when you’re caught up in a downwards spiral.

So what can you do, in the short term, to manage anxiety?

Try a CALM BOX

The idea of a ‘Calcalmboxm Box’ is that you have a box full of things which help you to relax, all on hand, because the last thing you want to do when you’re in the throes of anxiety is to go looking round the house for things to calm you down!

So what could go into your box?

Your calm box needs to work for YOU, so yours will be unique. The best starting point is to have a think about what calms you down. If you don’t know, then have a play with different things.

Here are a few ideas:
sqeeze• Stress balls (there are lots of different ones – have a play!)
• Puzzles/wordsearches/cards are a great distraction if you
enjoy them
• A journal to write down your feelings – it can help to
express yourself (and nobody else will see it!)
• Music which soothes you – some people want relaxing meditation-type music, others want to dance!
• If you get stress-headaches (like I do), include some cooling strips for your head
• Re-connecting with your senses can help – so include something which appeals to each one of your senses
• It can be calming to have a lovely smooth stone or crystal to hold and touch
• For children, I would include some bubble mixture – to bubblesblow a really big bubble, you need to really slow your breathing down. It’s quite relaxing as an adult too!
• Colouring is now an acceptable and enjoyable adult activity! A good colouring book and some felt tips are a must for me – see if they work for you too.

You can find some really lovely free downloadable colouring sheets for adults using the following link:

http://www.wayfair.co.uk/ideas-and-advice/trendspotting-colouring-pages-for-adults-S9796.html

Best wishes,

Judith
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10 Anxiety Myths …. Busted!

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  1. Anxiety isn’t normal.
    Anxiety IS a normal part of life – it’s your body’s natural reaction to a perceived danger and exists to make us take action in a potentially threatening situation.  The problem arises when you are perceiving dangers when there aren’t any … and the resulting feelings of anxiety are beginning to really impinge on your quality of life.


  2. It’s helpful to avoid whatever is making you anxious.
    In situations of real danger then yes, this is of course true.  The anxiety that you feel when faced with a speeding car makes you step out of the way.  But, if you’re feeling anxiety at a social situation, for example, avoiding it means that you never get the chance to actually find out that interacting with others can sometimes be fun.  Avoidance simply validates the original misplaced fear.


  3. Anxiety doesn’t have physical symptoms.
    There ARE lots of physical symptoms associated with anxiety including breathing problems, palpitations, dizziness, nausea to name just a few. And guess what … when you start to experience these symptoms, it makes you feel even more anxious. It really is a very scary vicious circle.


  4. Anxiety sufferers must have had a traumatic experience in their past.This is certainly not necessarily true.  Whilst Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) may be linked to a specific trauma, generalised anxiety has its roots in brain chemistry, genetics and personality traits.  Don’t assume you know why someone has anxiety!

  5. “Have a drink – you’ll feel better.”No! Alcohol is not a quick fix for anything – it certainly won’t solve any mental health issues that you have.  By all means enjoy a glass of wine but don’t mistake it for therapy! And since alcohol is actually a depressant, don’t depend on it to improve your mood – it won’t.

  6.  There’s nothing you can do about anxiety.There are lots of things you can do about anxiety – whether you’re suffering yourself or you’re supporting someone else. There are lots of self-help guides out there, blogs with tips on coping strategies, and counsellors, therapists and organisations who can help.

  7. Anxious people are weak.Anxiety isn’t a character-flaw – it can happen to anyone, judging isn’t helpful.

  8. Having anxiety is no big deal.For someone with a specific anxiety issue, it really IS a big deal.  Think about feeling fearful about doing an everyday, normal activity, something that most people do without even thinking about it… that really is a big deal.  Anxiety can make your life seems very small – overcoming it can open up a whole new world of opportunity.

  9. Anxious people are just being dramatic and illogical.Most people with anxiety actually KNOW that many of their fears are illogical – but it’s not that simple.  Knowing something is one thing but controlling it is another.  Which is why the following isn’t the way to support someone with anxiety ….

  10. Telling someone to calm down is helpful.It’s not! I’ve written a blog to advise on supporting people with anxiety – telling them to calm down doesn’t feature!  To read it, go to:http://blog.bluebell-therapy.co.uk/anxiety/supporting-people-with-anxiety/

Best wishes,

Judith

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Party panic : the nightmare of social anxiety

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Parties are fun, right? It’s true that many people enjoy the idea of a social gathering …. but a surprisingly large number of people find them extremely daunting … and some try to avoid them completely because their social anxiety completely prevents them from enjoying interacting with others in a social situation. What makes it worse is the stigma that anxiety has – sadly, it’s still not really acceptable to admit that you’d rather stay in and read a book than socialize with friends … and the fact that people don’t feel able to be honest is what often keeps the subject of social anxiety a secret.

And here’s the thing … LOTS of people are affected by it! Social situations ARE sometimes awkward and scary! Why? Well, because you’re opening yourself up to new experiences which you’re not sure about, new people who you don’t know and ‘exposing’ yourself to judgement (good or bad). In fact, most people are a bit nervous about going to a party with lots of new people… I know I am. But social anxiety disorder goes beyond that – it’s a real phobia of social interaction which affects between 10-15% of people in the community at any one time … and that is probably the tip of the iceberg because many of those people won’t seek help for it.

So what does social anxiety really feel like and how can you help yourself if you’re a sufferer?

“I don’t think people realise how stressful it is to explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself”

faceThat kind of sums it up, because it’s not easily defined or categorized. Many people who try to describe their feelings of anxiety, however, use the vocabulary of fear – ‘dread’, ‘terror’, ‘distress’. Imagine what it would be like to experience those sort of emotions on a frequent basis … and you’re some of the way to understanding how anxiety feels. Add physical sensations such as sweating, palpitations, a tightening of the chest …. and you can begin to see how scary anxiety really is.

Often when people are anxious about a situation, they avoid it – this may help in the short term because the scary situation is removed. By avoiding social situations, though, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to have positive social interaction …. You are ‘proving’ to yourself that you’re not capable of facing up to your fears or of having positive social experiences … setting up a negative self-image.

So what can you do to help yourself overcome this?

  • Challenge your unhelpful thoughts – remember thoughts represent YOUR PERCEPTIONS – they are not necessarily representative of life as it really is. You might think that everyone thinks you’re an idiot, for example, but where is the evidence for that? Why would somebody think that? Don’t assume what everybody else is thinking when you simply don’t know – you’re not a mind reader!
  • Try to avoid ‘what if’ questions, focusing on the negative – ‘what if’s are things we have no idea of knowing! ‘What if I have an amazing time?’ is just as valid as ‘What if I have a terrible time?’
  • Give yourself the same advice that you would give to a friend – don’t judge yourself more harshly than you would judge someone else – why use a different criteria for yourself?
  • Try to view events and situations in a balanced and rational way – remind yourself that you’ve confronted fears before and overcome them – you CAN do it again.
  • Ask yourself ‘What’s the worst thing that can happen?’ It may be that you don’t enjoy the party … can you cope with that if it happens? Chances are that you can. Now the best thing – that you have a great time. The opportunity for the positive usually outweighs the small chance of the negative.
  • Lastly, be brave! Once you start to realise that you CAN overcome a fear, that there is the opportunity for positive experiences, the fear subsides.

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Good Luck!

Best wishes,

Judith
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Perfection is over-rated … the art of being happy on ‘just good enough’ …

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Any parent with children born in the last 20 years or so will recognise the literary phenomenon (!) that is Horrid Henry and his ‘perfect’ brother Peter. For those readers who don’t, basically Perfect Peter, as he is dubbed, is this amazingly good child who never puts a foot wrong. He is clever, well-behaved, polite and … well, just perfect in every conceivable way possible. Is he the most interesting character in the book? – no; Does he has the most fun? – no; Is he the happiest character? – no; Is he the most likely to suffer from anxiety-related issues? – YES …maintaining perfection is just REALLY hard work!

Because perfectionism is not good for us … perfect’ is an adjective which doesn’t reflect reality, yet it is thrucloudst upon us frequently, inviting us to fail at every turn. Sadly, many of us buy into the allure of the ‘perfect’ and wonder why we feel so much anxiety trying to reach it … and so disappointed with ourselves when we don’t.

 

Targets, objectives, assessments, performance management at work, for example, can all conspire to set parameters for us which can add to pressure and actually be counter-productive. There’s no harm in striving to do well, of course, but often targets are set in an unrealistic way which set people up to fail. Sometimes, it can be a simple as being straight with your boss and saying that you need a bit more time for something. Or just having the strength to say ‘No’ for once. Funnily enough, I left a profession heavily reliant on targets … only to make my own targets for myself in my own business. The difference is that my targets are realistic and, although sometimes challenging, achievable. I also changed my mind-set … ‘failure’ became an opportunity to do something in a different way, a step towards a goal rather than reaching it immediately.

The workplace is just one area where we try to live up to sometimes unrealistic expectations. How many of the women reading this, are working mums …..trying to be the perfect employee AND the perfect mum?? Yes, it’s true that, as women, we can have a great career and a family these days but do we have to be ‘perfect’ at both? Of course not! Do we allow ourselves to shrug it off, dust ourselves down and try again when it all goes tits up? Not as often as we should!

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So how do we fight against the Perfectionism myth and minimise anxiety …?

  • Strive to ‘do your best’ rather than achieve perfection … unless you are super-human, the latter really isn’t achievable on an everyday basis.
  • Be realistic when setting yourself targets or expectations and sometimes have the courage to question the expectations given to you by other people. Work out what is possible … and what isn’t and be prepared to stick to that if necessary. You might surprise yourself by achieving much more – and that’s a wonderful bonus!
  • Try to strike a balance between what you want to achieve and accepting what is – there is still room for ambitious hopes and dreams but everything isn’t black and white and it’s perfectly acceptable to reach a compromise.
  • Break down your targets into small steps – that way you’ll feel that you’re achieving lots of things along the way to your final destination. Rome wasn’t built in a day … good things take time!
  • Most of all, be kind to yourself. You are amazing just the way you are – perfection is way over-rated!!

Good luck!

Judith, Bluebell Therapy

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